Pages

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Feelings and roller coasters


When I was about 8 years old I was at an Aglow conference with my mom. There was a lady there named Karen (who has become a VERY good friend of mine) who had a baby daughter named Christa. I'm not exactly sure what brought the subject up, but at some point I...an 8-year-old child...offered to baby-sit Christa. I think I really was surprised when she said no! That is the first memory I have of wanting to care for a baby. I finally got my first baby-sitting job a couple years later when my Aunt Ruth and Uncle Neil had their first baby...my cousin Sarah. Aunt Ruth and Uncle Neil ended up having 4 children with their youngest being born on the best day ever...my 16th birthday (I often say that my two favorite gifts that year were my driver's license and Paul). I had the privilege of baby-sitting Sarah, Natalie, David, and Paul and even though I may have taken Natalie's radio from her and put it up where she couldn't reach it, overall we enjoyed our time together.  When I went to college in Tulsa I got a work-study job at the daycare center that was affiliated with the college and I worked in the infant room. The summer that I stayed in Tulsa working I had several families that I baby-sat for and I loved EVERY MINUTE!

So why am I telling you this? To demonstrate how long I have loved children and dreamed of being a mom. Seriously, the only thing I have ever REALLY wanted to be was a stay-at-home mom. We are now under a month away from going to meet our boys and I have to admit that I am starting to freak out a little bit. I have had all these thoughts running through my head like "What if I screw up" (I know, I will), "What if they don't like me", "What if we don't bond", "What if they don't like the cats", "What if they don't like my cooking", "What if I FAIL as a mother?"

I know that all first-time parents feel this way but since I have wanted to be a mom for so long I really didn't think I would. Well I AM!!!! It's kind of confusing because there are many times that I feel pure JOY at being able to adopt these boys, but I also have moments of pure panic at the thought that we are going to be responsible for raising these boys. Our lives are going to completely change FOREVER...there's no going back. It's going to be like a roller coaster ride...once we get on and the train starts, we are in it until it stops. We will experience all the highs and lows, bends, flips, loopty-loops, etc. I know that becoming a parent will ultimately be the best thing ever and once I get those boys in my arms it will all become so clear, but right now I feel like I'm at the back of that roller coaster and I can't see what's coming up...one thing is for sure, I know it will turn my life completely upside down. I'm sure glad I like roller coasters...

4 comments:

  1. Relax...what you're feeling is completely normal! Let go of that idea of the "perfect mom" because like you said - you will screw up! But if you look to HIM every day and seek HIS advice you can't go wrong! =) So close girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, girl! I SO get what you are feeling!!! :) Only I bet the feelings will take on a new dimension when I actually lay eyes on our little one(s)! Bless you for your honesty! I can't wait for you to hug your sons and "just know" it is all going to be just fine! Fantabulous, as a matter of fact! As long as you take one step at a time and keep looking to God for guidance, you will be the BEST mom you could possibly be! Can't wait to see you all as a family!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Normal, normal, normal. The first months, maybe even a year... will be hard. But it's worth it. Stay home mom is the best gig ever.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are going to be great. This brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you.

    ReplyDelete

Today I Kissed an Angel

Today I kissed an angel. I knew it from the start. The first time my angel smiled at me; I gave away my heart.

Today I kissed an angel; This angel child of mine. Though not of my creation, My child by God's design.

Today I kissed an angel. My heart is dancing wild; Our family, by a miracle; Blessed by our angel child.

All I Really Want by Steven Curtis Chapman